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By Katyayani Chowdhry

Are you encountering challenges in your personal relationships- romantic, platonic or otherwise? Do you find yourself perplexed, frustrated, unmotivated or just plain unclear about a friend or partner, perhaps even yourself in the dynamics of your relationships?

Understanding the Attachment Style you or the other bear can help provide insight, understanding and guidance towards navigating a relationship to a healthier and more fulfilling level.

In its simplest connotation, an Attachment Style refers to how we humans connect to fellow humans and feel about them.

As a theory, it was developed in the 1950s by psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth. Bowlby discovered through extensive research that early childhood experiences were pivotal in paving child development and behaviour. Humans bond with other humans- it is our intrinsic nature; and this influences us on sub-conscious levels. It also aids the evolutionary component of survival in us.


A Secure Attachment Style is one that reflects positive personality traits. People with a secure attachment style might display many positive eye-catching symptoms in themselves, or reflect them in their closer meaningful relationships, be they romantic, platonic or familial:

  • They don’t have trust issues,  open up to others easily, communicate needs effectively
  • Seek social support, are warm and joyful to connect with
  • Comfortable being themselves in their own space/alone, autonomous
  • Comfortable with mutual dependency and intimacy, display emotions, feelings and affection
  • Well liked in work place, competent with peers and comfortable with own shortcomings
  • Empathetic, less disruptive, less aggressive
  • More mature and stable,  draw clear boundaries
  • Prioritize relationships and display reflections on how they’re maneuvering relationships
  • Believe that love is enduring;  build deep, meaningful, long lasting relationships
  • Hold positive views of childhood in retrospect
  • Guided by some life purpose


So, what makes towards the much sought after secure attachment style?

Were we loved, cared, valued and nurtured as infants? Or were we neglected, rejected and uncared for? The dynamics of the primary caregiver-infant relationship are mirrored in personal attachment styles: Secure or Insecure (which may be further sub-categorized as anxious/avoidant or disorganized).

As an infant, baby, toddler or child, if we were provided with consistent care and love; seen, heard and supported emotionally; comforted, soothed and reassured when afraid of the world; encouraged to explore it in visible safety, then we have much to thank our caregivers, parents and families for having raised us that way.

Our confidence and security stems from this very hotbed of unconditional love and nurturing.

If not, understand the good that you received and move on from the bad. And be wary- your attachment style might be insecure. If left unattended to, it might just pass on to your future generation, so it is crucial to make sense of issues in relationships close to one now.


Attachment Styles are fluid, they are not etched in stone for a lifespan of an individual. With awareness, practice and making constant positive lifestyle choices in relationships, they can change- over time.

Psychologists Bartholomew and Horowitz hypothesized that a person’s attachment style corresponded directly to the degree of positive/negative perception of the other and the degree of positive/negative perception of self.

Therefore, if one has come to the conclusion that one’s attachment style is inclined towards the insecure, just flip your self-image to the positive and also perceive positivity in others.

And there is an incentive here: secure style-holders make the best partners, spouses and friends, besides being excellent caregivers. By making that single flip- not only have you changed your relationship for the better without any friction, but you are also set to nurture the next generation as a more stable, secure and positive one.

To find which style you are most naturally inclined to, please visit here:

Good Luck!